Current Trials

Can I be real honest? Sometimes doing what is right is very difficult. Sometimes it causes great agony and pain. Yet I believe it is still the correct thing to do.

I have struggled over the past couple of days as I have listened to my son Caid cry almost incessantly. I want him to have peace and comfort. I am powerless to help him acheive it. Even when I am my most relaxed and in a good mood his crying refuses to let up as he twists and contorts his body with feelings going on inside. He is still an infant so I do not know if he feels discomfort, hunger or pain. I just hear screams, growls and watch as he winces and writhes in pain. His eyes turn red with crying and his tear ducts dry from so much use. He snots, foams, and you can smell stomach acid on his breath during his outbursts.

Sometimes as I hold him or watch powerlessly as he attempts to find a comfortable position, I think, "Was he supposed to be born after all? Did we by trying to have him as a preemie prolong his suffering unnecessarily? Should I advise others in the future of the possibility of having this outcome so they can make an informed decision?" Then I tell myself, "Life, is always important and we should always value it and try to enhance and save it, no matter what the cost." I cannot honestly tell you if these are beliefs from our LORD or from our culture. Everything about America says to seek what is comfortable, to excel, to be the best and do not suffer. America says to honor life while Scripture says suffering is a consequence of our sin. This world teaches to fear death, the LORD's own words are, "I have overcome death".

I cannot say I believe in abortion as something right. In fact, that was not ever a choice either of us would make along the way. It was by God's grace that our doctor tried that which is considered controversial at that point in the pregnancy to give Ashley the longest chance to carry him and give him every chance and hope to be born and be cared for in a NICU. We just heard from so many doctors how he may not live, how he would have an uphill battle, how poor his quality of life could be... It was I think that GOD has Caid here and protected and provided for him for His glory. This suffering that Caid; our whole family endures will eventually pass one way or another. I sometimes fear it will be that Caid cries so much that he gives up and one day I will find him "asleep" or that Ashley will call me to her side as he "slumbers". I think of the times at night I am tired and impatient with him and push his paci to aggressivly into his crying mouth, or when I pick him up less then gently in my frustration while his screams continue at nauseum.

Today, an interesting thing happened. As Caid lay their screaming for a brief moment, my mind's eye was opened. I do not know if this was a vision of the future or if it was my own hope, but I saw Caid, glorified and no longer in pain. He smiled to me standing as a grown young man. I began to apologize for not always treating him as well as I need to and he just smiled and I knew that he did not hold any of it against me. I wanted to hug him and stay in that moment with him, but as quickly as it came, it faded to the growing sounds of his screaming, and the look of his fatigued, sick mommy on the couch.

I know that the LORD loves my family. This is not His fault. It is nobody in my family's fault. I just want the suffering for Caid to end and our family to be able to deal with life's other problems. Yet this peace pervades my understanding. Peace comes with Jesus' presence and He is with us. Most specifically, he is with Caid and knows all of the suffering and all of His love surrounds us.

2 Years

God's timing is His timing. I cannot argue with this. That being said, my experience is that it takes about 2 years in a ministry place before you can see great amounts of ministry begin to pay off. By the LORD's blessing I am beginning to see some really great things happen in the lives of students and parents. They are growing and maturing. Some of them have a genuine desire to make an impact for the Kingdom and be used by God to draw others into his Kingdom. How amazing is that?

Volunteers are appearing and taking shape and relationships are deepening with those who God uses to connect with others.

I can see Jesus' Spirit moving among his people during difficult times, during joyous times, and all times in between.

Minister friends, longevity is important. Twice, I have moved to a new ministry and twice I have seen the toll it takes on the lives of those our LORD was using us to impact. It creates an atmosphere of fear among those in the church. This is not good. People just assume you will be gone in a short while. Who wants to get involved with that? Who wants to risk their life and open them self to love a person they are afraid will be taken from them soon. The answer is few people. So stick around, unless God makes it clear you are to go, stick around. Love those around you, invest in someone and make them like your own family. It is still tough, the hours can be long, the heartbreak can be intense, disappointment is sometimes part of it, but to leave those people to fend while you go to try to make yourself happy and content can have worse consequences for those you leave behind.

Ministry is like a marriage, and to leave is like a divorce. I do not see those working out well for the children involved.

LORD I pray, keep me content unless you have otherwise. Make my heart pure, beating for you. Give me ears to hear your Spirit guide me and remind me of Your word and eyes to see people as you see them. Finally, give me a heart and will faithful to You and Your people here, knowing that You are faithful and provide in all circumstances.

The Skies Darken

I am in Indianapolis as a severe storm gets ready to roll in. It is dark outside and thunder rolls across the fields into the city. Sitting next to me is Caid, in a crib, once again connected to monitors for his breathing and an IV in his little hand. I just met with an anestesiologist about his surgery in the morning. Here our family is, once again in trial.

"Rejoice spiritual family, again I say rejoice! Rejoice when all kinds of trials come upon you because trials lead to perseverence and perseverence will lead to hope and hope never fails when it is in the LORD"

My family and I cling to these words as Caid faces an exploratory and possibly corrective surgery for an upside down stomach and additional intestines in his abdomen. The justification is that we suspected that all of his grunting and crying out in pain was for a reason and unfortunately there is a reason. His older brothers, Carter and Kristofer continue to deal with things as best as they know how.

There is victory for the LORD spiritually as the lessons learned from when Ashley was in the hospital are now prevailing and His Spirit continues to provide the grace needed. The LORD continues to be with us.

Attempting to Draw Closer

I am reading through I Chronicles in my time of listening to the Lord. A few verses struck me today. In I Chron. 22:19, "Now devote your heart and soul to seeking [YHVH (Yahveh)] your God." David, King of Israel charged this to his son Solomon while gathering the materials to build the first Temple in Jerusalem, Israel. The second Scripture is I Chron. 23:30, "They were also to stand every morning to thank and praise [YHVH]. They were to do the same in the evening." This is what the tribe of Israel named, Levi did as their job each day. Compound these verses with the book I am reading and teaching from by Francis Chan, Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit and I have multiple thoughts running through my mind.

I know for fact that our Lord is real. I believe. What I sometimes struggle with, is His silence. I think He maybe stretching me right now. Last night I was in conversation with my wife about our budget. We are reworking it trying to figure out where money that should now be freed up is going. We should have some more money at the end of this month if we will adhere to the new budget. The interesting thing is that the money is the only money we will have for anything extra. It is also the exact amount of a full tithe to the Lord. I awaken this morning and find myself between sleep and prayer, prayer and sleep until I finally force myself out of bed. The family leaves and I am sitting alone, reading and eating Frosted Mini Wheats and I think about the budget again and this thought occurs to me, "We need to give that money to the Lord even if it means no extras. Shouldn't we be trusting Him for those anyway?"

Next, I come into the office and read these verses, longing to hear Jesus speak to me the way that he spoke to the seers and prophets of the Old Covenant. I am longing and seeking the Lord, but I wonder if he wants me to venture a little further from my comfort zone this time and that is why He seems silent even as my heart is turned to Him. Will I venture? Is it just about tithing and trusting (which seem to come up over and over lately, which probably makes that a HUGE hint) or is it more about retreating? Do I need to do more prayer walking? Surely, the silence of our home or in the office is enough... His Spirit is everywhere and we worship Him in Spirit and truth. Time will tell, and it is my hope that we will put our full trust into Him as a couple and as a family. I pray that my belief will be strengthened and proven sure guidance for this family that God desires to lead through me.

About Nickels and Noses

"Counting nickels and noses" is sometimes church leadership speak on church attendance and offering.

I read in I Chronicles 21:1, "Satan rose up against Israel and incited David to take a census of Israel." Some theologians and preachers will speak of this as an issue of the pride of David, King of Israel. You see, Joab, David's commanding officer, tries to talk him out of it, but David does it anyway and it leads to the death of 70,000 soldiers! What a severe penalty! In the context of the story you almost think it has little to do with David's pride and more to do with David's security. It seems he wants to know that he has a large and powerful enough army to deal with any threats against the nation of Israel. In the spiritual realm, God has been consistently emphacising Israel's need to rely upon Him and not theirselves. Even so, we have recorded for us approximate numbers of conversions in the book of Acts where the Spirit is working and drawing people to Jesus.

Sometimes, in the church it seems like we in church leadership get caught up in either one of these two things as well. Either we feel like we need to know how many people are attending so we can justify an expense such as adding a staff member or building a larger sanctuary, or at times we just want to know how large the gathering of believers is so we can record this and chart church growth. Are we more like the book of Acts doing these things or do we sometimes come closer to David and the other kings of Israel that were seeking to find some type of security that would come from knowing those numbers rather than knowing the Lord? Some might be offended that I even bring this up at all. However, is it possible when we make a big deal about attendance, that Satan could be rising up against the Church?

Preaching or Teaching Lessons

I realize the ministry I do is fruitless apart from Jesus through His Spirit so I pray for words, for Him to work and for His blessing. I long to hear from Him what people need to hear and then I read yesterday I Corinthians 2:1,4-5 "I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God... My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."

This led me to question my teaching and preaching. We are so worried about boring kids and boring adults with the Bible. We work on teaking our messages with story and chalk it up to the fact that Jesus taught in story. There is an addage about how it is a "sin" to bore people with the gospel. In this day and age, a great preacher is one who makes us laugh, who enables us to see the sermon in our head, who tells great stories, and of whom we feel like the service flew by quickly. Is this how Jesus describes His favorite people? It seems to me, His emphasis is more on the faithfulness of an individual to Him, His kingdom and His message, and a lot less about how eloquent our sermons are. We sit and ask the Spirit to come to us and help us prepare and then we add of this stuff we can think of to make Scripture more entertaining to listen to. I know this sounds like a rant. I am not fed up or frustrated. I just want to make sure we are doing all we can to honor the intent of Scripture and not compromise the message. I also fear that I may be guilty of seeking eloquence and good storytelling, allowing those to be my wisdom and persuasive speaking over allowing the Lord's Spirit do demonstrate His power.

Bubbles

My boys received a package in the mail today and amongst other things in it were bubbles. After work, I came home to find Ashley blowing them through the kitchen telling me how she did earlier until she became dizzy. I said to her, "What if bubbles never popped?" Now, I know the rational ramifications, that the world would constantly fill with bubbles until they were everywhere and you could not see to drive, or who is coming to visit. But think about it, they are so floaty and airy and funny feeling when they land on you. What if you could scoop up the bubbles that landed on the floor or ground and throw them back up into the air again? What if you could kick them all around? What is it exactly that causes bubbles to burst anyway? You may know that feeling of working so much to get a good bubble to form and then to take off, only to see it pop. It can be overwhelmingly sad. We take this difficult experience and compound it by using it as an expression, "I don't mean to burst your bubble, but..."

Perhaps one day someone will invent a non-toxic soap that can create bubbles that do not pop. Until that day comes, enjoy those minute magical moments of beholding encapsulated air in that iridescent film riding on currents of wind... that is until they meet their untimely demise shattering into history.