Current Trials

Can I be real honest? Sometimes doing what is right is very difficult. Sometimes it causes great agony and pain. Yet I believe it is still the correct thing to do.

I have struggled over the past couple of days as I have listened to my son Caid cry almost incessantly. I want him to have peace and comfort. I am powerless to help him acheive it. Even when I am my most relaxed and in a good mood his crying refuses to let up as he twists and contorts his body with feelings going on inside. He is still an infant so I do not know if he feels discomfort, hunger or pain. I just hear screams, growls and watch as he winces and writhes in pain. His eyes turn red with crying and his tear ducts dry from so much use. He snots, foams, and you can smell stomach acid on his breath during his outbursts.

Sometimes as I hold him or watch powerlessly as he attempts to find a comfortable position, I think, "Was he supposed to be born after all? Did we by trying to have him as a preemie prolong his suffering unnecessarily? Should I advise others in the future of the possibility of having this outcome so they can make an informed decision?" Then I tell myself, "Life, is always important and we should always value it and try to enhance and save it, no matter what the cost." I cannot honestly tell you if these are beliefs from our LORD or from our culture. Everything about America says to seek what is comfortable, to excel, to be the best and do not suffer. America says to honor life while Scripture says suffering is a consequence of our sin. This world teaches to fear death, the LORD's own words are, "I have overcome death".

I cannot say I believe in abortion as something right. In fact, that was not ever a choice either of us would make along the way. It was by God's grace that our doctor tried that which is considered controversial at that point in the pregnancy to give Ashley the longest chance to carry him and give him every chance and hope to be born and be cared for in a NICU. We just heard from so many doctors how he may not live, how he would have an uphill battle, how poor his quality of life could be... It was I think that GOD has Caid here and protected and provided for him for His glory. This suffering that Caid; our whole family endures will eventually pass one way or another. I sometimes fear it will be that Caid cries so much that he gives up and one day I will find him "asleep" or that Ashley will call me to her side as he "slumbers". I think of the times at night I am tired and impatient with him and push his paci to aggressivly into his crying mouth, or when I pick him up less then gently in my frustration while his screams continue at nauseum.

Today, an interesting thing happened. As Caid lay their screaming for a brief moment, my mind's eye was opened. I do not know if this was a vision of the future or if it was my own hope, but I saw Caid, glorified and no longer in pain. He smiled to me standing as a grown young man. I began to apologize for not always treating him as well as I need to and he just smiled and I knew that he did not hold any of it against me. I wanted to hug him and stay in that moment with him, but as quickly as it came, it faded to the growing sounds of his screaming, and the look of his fatigued, sick mommy on the couch.

I know that the LORD loves my family. This is not His fault. It is nobody in my family's fault. I just want the suffering for Caid to end and our family to be able to deal with life's other problems. Yet this peace pervades my understanding. Peace comes with Jesus' presence and He is with us. Most specifically, he is with Caid and knows all of the suffering and all of His love surrounds us.